And I Wish for Freedom

If there is something I could wish for you and I to have, it would be freedom.

Freedom from grudges--to be able to sincerely smile at people who intentionally or inadvertently hurt you in the past.

Freedom from time constraints--to have the luxury of spending an entire day without needing to check the time.

Freedom from mobile phones and social networking sites--to be able to catch up with friends over coffee, beer or  both, and not just through short electronic messages.

Freedom from what-ifs--to be able to fully accept what the here and now can offer.

Freedom of speech--to be able to share thoughts and ideas without the fear of being judged, labeled or ostracized.

Freedom from prejudices--to be able to find out everything about a person before dismissing him or her.

And most of all, the freedom of love--to be able to love like how a little child would love.

Keep secrets because discretion is fun, not because you're ashamed of your secrets. You don't have to air out your dirty laundry in public, but you don't have to hide things because you are afraid that people will judge you. In any case, other people won't remember your secrets long enough anyway.

Letter to my Twenty-Three-Year-Old Self

When I was twenty-three, I wrote a letter to my eighteen-year-old self. I'm writing a letter to my twenty-three-year-old self now.


Dear Carla,


- Go to law school. NOW. Don't waste time. You've wasted three years already. You don't need to waste two more. You don't need to stay longer in a job you don't actually like.
- All the luho that you think you can't live without--you don't actually need them. You will do fine without them.
- Write and capture your memories. As much as you can. Because five years from now, all you will have is a vague recollection of everything.
- When L asks you if you love him, don't deny it, because it will be the first and only time he will ask. Say, "Yes!" or say, "Absolutely!" or say, "Forever!" even if you know it isn't true. But don't let that moment pass you by, because it will never happen again.
- Never forget that lots of people will come and go. There will be those who will change your life, and they might be gone just as quickly as they arrived, and don't hate them for that. Not all friendships and relationships are made to last forever. What is important is that they touched your life, inspired you, and allowed you to look at the world through their eyes.

Things to Remember

1. In every conversation, the most boring topic is always yourself.
2. Listen to every person's story. There's always something new to learn.
3. Jot down writing ideas. Then work on actually writing them.
4. Share. Be prodigal when it comes to giving time, compliments and love.
5. Let each person feel as if he or she is the most interesting person in the world. Sometimes, it's actually true.
6. Always be grateful.
7. Never be afraid of accepting gifts, most especially non-material ones.

The Best Years of My Life

The days are long and the nights are longer. These are the best years of my life, and ten to twenty years later, I know we will all still be friends. Some of us  may be richer, more distinguished or more successful than the others, but we would all look back at this point in our lives when we crammed and procrastinated together; when we got humiliated in front of class because we  said something miserably inane; when we chose to drink instead of study then we found ourselves collectively praying for a free cut the following day; when our most over-used statement was "Nauubusan na ako ng bala!"; when our greatest glory was passing a subject taught by a professor known to massively fail students; when we have two dozen inside jokes about crazy professors and even crazier classmates; when it felt like someday we would have the power to change the world.

These are the best years of my life, and ten to twenty years later, I know we will all still be friends.

Resolutions for 2012

- To be thankful for the gift of learning, and to not let the weight of formal education make me forget how privileged I am to have parents who fully support me in my pursuit of further studies.

- To be thankful for my job, because it allows me to work comfortably even if I am prioritizing my studies, inter alia.

-  To allot time and effort in helping others, in every way possible. And maybe, hopefully, someday, I can even volunteer on a regular basis.

- To just let it go whenever I feel that I am being unfairly judged. At the end of the day, no one really remembers anyone's opinion of you.

- To be generous with time spent with family and loved ones, and not count the hours and minutes.

- To be generous with expressing admiration and appreciation without fear of rejection. So what if the feeling is not mutual? We can never run out of compliments anyway.

- To be selfless, as much as humanly possible. Because living only for oneself is the quickest way to be unhappy.

- To do away with taking credit for giving, because “real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out.” - Frank A. Clark

- To write down memories as much as possible, before they become vague and distorted with the passage of time.

- To always remember that everything in this earth is precious but at the same time insignificant.

- To sincerely forgive and forget not just everyone else's mistakes, but my own as well.

- And to have faith that people will also sincerely forgive and forget the mistakes I made.

The Ultimate Rollercoaster Ride

I count the time left before I'll be seeing you again; I count by the hour and minute. I dread and at the same time look forward to the experience of being in your presence yet again.
Thoughts of you consume my entire day. You keep me on my toes; you push me to my limits. You give me a sense of fulfillment, yet you constantly make me doubt myself; you constantly make me anxious and afraid.
I have often toyed with the idea of quitting you, but would I want to be afflicted with existential crisis yet again?
Three years down the road, yet you still leave me as dazed as the first day we met. Three years down the road, and you still never fail to surprise and devastate me.
You have opened dozens of doors for me, and you will open a hundred more. Some would say this madness is halfway over, but in reality, it has not even begun.
The ultimate gift, the ultimate dillema and the ultimate rollercoaster ride is knowing you.

School has begun once again, and I feel fulfilled yet befuddled and harrassed once again, like being in a tempestuous quasi-relationship with a flighty person. It eats up your time; it consumes your thoughts, and there’s nothing else you can talk about with anyone who would care to listen.
And while you worry about it pretty much the whole day, and even if there are several dozen things you want and need to do, you waste your time with irrelevant activities: drinking with friends, browsing social networking sites, heck, even cleaning the house. All because you don’t know how and where to start. Much like being in a tempestuous quasi-relationship with a flighty person.

I thought a lot of us would be more open to arguments and opposing contentions. Yet some still take it badly when you express disagreement. In an age where everyone is free to express themselves through numerous social networking sites, it is already expected that some peoples' ideas will clash with yours, and it doesn't mean that just because they dissent, they already think of you as a lesser person. It also doesn't mean that just because they dissent, they don't deserve your respect.Why are some so hostile when you express an opinion that opposes theirs? Is it not possible to discuss as two friends and equals who just have different views?

I cannot stand being alone with my thoughts. So many could-have-beens and so many what-ifs just bother me. Years ago, I used to tell myself that there is no better place and time than NOW, and I meant it. But I can no longer sincerely tell myself that. The memories just haunt me.I’ll be happy to be transported to five years ago. Or four years ago. And even three years ago. And especially three and a half years ago. But I’m happy to be in law school now. I think it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. But I’ve done and said so many things impulsively that I just want to correct them. I’d like to go through it all one more time, but with more grace, maturity and intelligence.

It’s only one of two things. It’s either I have plenty of time, or I’m running out of time. Either way, I should just relax, take my time, and focus on the things that really matter. I don’t want to find myself at the end of the road thinking, why did I spend that much time so stressed out about things I could have just winged?
Everything’s going to be all right.

Oxymoron

What are you made of? You are made of a thousand and one things I’ll never understand. You are apathy and passion, cynicism and romance, laziness and ambition, all at the same time. You enter and exit out of different worlds. You wear multiple masks, and you throw them out as you go. You know a lot about everything. You are the very person I’d like someday to be, but for now, I’m happy to be watching and learning from you.

On CInderella

Many many decades ago, Cinderella already knew her game. She shows up for the party late, and after dancing with the prince, leaves the party early. She doesn’t even call or text him when he goes all over the kingdom looking for her, and when he finally finds her, she makes him drop on his knee just so he can put her foot in her glass slipper. Whoever said Cinderella just waited for her prince doesn’t know a thing about being a coquette.

In a trial court somewhere in the outskirts of Metro Manila, you are out there, chain-smoking while you wait and think about the many many deadlines you have to beat. In a trial court somewhere in the outskirts of Metro Manila, you are out there, practicing and living out what I am just studying about right now. It’s been a while since I last listened to you talk about the one thousand and one worries you have about your job. The next time I’ll see you, several years from now, hopefully I will do more than listen.

We used to come and go in each other's lives, and we used to just pick up from where we left off whenever we see each other again. But now weeks and months just zip by, and I no longer wonder how you are, and I can now easily ignore your invites. Every minute spent with you was a minute taken away from the cases and pleadings you had to work on, and I used to cherish every minute. But now I can hardly remember the sound of your voice, or how my hand felt on your chest, or the way you smell when I hug you after weeks of not seeing you. All I can remember is how eating ice cream makes you happy, like a little kid, and how I never have to finish sentences when I'm taking to you, and your quiet stillness when I secretly watch you pray whenever we hear mass, and how I felt whenever we kissed while waiting for the red stoplight to turn green. All I can remember is that you changed such a big part of me, and I'm absolutely sure that I will be in a totally different place right now if I had never met you. But the image of you is slowly fading away, one memory at a time....

Of Happiness

Happiness is ever fleeting. You get what you want, you get a hit of endorphins, and you get confronted with a void again. Your idea of what's fun and exciting escalates. You seek for things that will feed all of your senses all at the same time. And when the feeling fades, your mood comes down crashing again. You make yourself busy, you pack your days with a dozen activities, and it doesn't help. Everything you do is just an interruption of the feeling of boredom and being lost.
I would take inner peace over happiness any given day.

On Beauty

John Keats said that a thing of beauty is a joy forever. Not that I'm questioning Keats, whose poem Endymion has been around for two hundred years, but beauty is not really known for just bringing joy. Prettiness brings joy. Prettiness brings a smile on your face. But prettiness is the opposite of beauty.

Beauty is vague and puzzling. It haunts and lingers. Beauty surprises. It makes you question the world. It inspires you to action. It stirs up half a dozen different emotions. It turns nos into yeses. It can push you to your limits if it wants to. You can't take your eyes off it when it's there, yet you can't seem to properly describe it when it's gone.

To-do List for 2010

- To remember that true generosity has a very poor memory.
- To be kind, for everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle. - Plato
- To always remember the paradoxical truth: everything in this earth is precious but at the same time insignificant.
- To never harbor anger, hatred and bitterness: it is inward and selfish to do so.
- To remember that keeping myself from expressing appreciation and love is also inward and selfish.
- To find out everything about something or somebody first before deciding that I don't like it/him/her.
- To remember that the only way happiness will not be fleeting is if I acquired it because I helped others.

Everything and Nothing

We are much too old to still be playing games
yet much too young to stop
We are too carefree to remember
yet too connected to forget
We are much too wise to seal the deal
yet too stupid to just walk out and leave

You are the past and the future
but never the present
You are constant and static
and at the same time very unstable
You are everything and nothing
But maybe there's no difference between the two

But You Asked For It

Here we are joking about things that really mean something to us, and telling each other things that don't mean anything at all. You and I are just another dopamine fix. Ten years ago, we could have thought we were soulmates who can rule the world as long as were together. Now we're just too busy, too jaded, too worldy, too cynical, or too hopeful that something much much better will come along.